I’ve debated posting about this on and off for a few weeks now. I pride myself on speaking my truth and being open and honest with you so in the end, that’s what took priority. The people who will have negative reactions to this would have negative reactions to anything I do. They are not my focus.
Lately, there has been plenty of talk in sex work about bullying. When lives are cut short because of hurtful words or bullying, it really is a topic that needs to be discussed. Not just a few tweets about how it’s a tragedy, I mean really discussed. Mental health should be something we talk about as often as talent testing. This job can be isolating and we need to know that there is always support and help if we need it.
I was, surprisingly to me, nominated for an AVN award this year. Favorite BBW Performer of the Year! AVN had actually removed BBW as a category altogether and then, after much uproar and attention, https://twitter.com/housewifeswag/status/908449993001963520, decided to add BBW again as a “fan nominated” “niche” category. When you’re a BBW in the industry, you are used to being treated lesser than. Just like mainstream society. We work harder and often for less. We are conditioned to become complacent in the box we are placed in. We are not brought up on stage for speeches. We do not host events. So this poor attempt at throwing us a bone was celebrated. At least we were being recognized. “At least,” I say when we (BBWs) are consistently a top searched term everywhere. We are making money. Being sought after. Needless to say, it’s an AVN nomination. I was elated. I didn’t know I was nominated until another model sent a snap of her voting for me. I screamed and cried. The nomination itself is a huge honor.
I was surprised when not even a day after the nominations were announced, I was seeing subtweets about the word “performer” being included in the nomination. Mainstream pornstars commenting that those who cam aren’t “performers”. Insinuating that us sitting in our homes and making a living is less worthy of an award than filming on a set. Suggesting that since there were people who cam in the category we were going to “hack” the voting system to win by any means necessary. Talking about the size of the category meaning that they just let anyone in (the fan nominated categories have always been this big- FYI). My character and my work were consistently attacked in a barrage of subtweets and threads by multiple models. It got to a point where not only were other models sending me these things in DMs but so were members. Tweets or messages that I didn’t even think were about me but after reading them… realizing that I was being naive. Members of the models who were bullying saying that they can no longer and will no longer support or tolerate that behavior. My response to all of this has been neutral. Silent. I made a few tweets and then realized that honestly, it was not worth commenting back. How was I any better if I behaved the same way I was being hurt? I was sad about the entire situation but I didn’t want to lash out or cause hurt to anyone. I refuse to use my platform to bully others or to make others feel bad about themselves. That’s not what I’m about. That’s not what the people who support me are about.
January 10th, the ManyVids Awards started. I wasn’t certain which category I was going to enter but eventually, decided on BBW of the Year. This decision only added fuel to the fire of those who dislike me or think I’m not deserving. I received an “anonymous” message on tumblr (likely from another model) that I focus too much on my breasts to be considered a BBW model- http://housewifeswag.tumblr.com/post/169539969682/i-like-your-works-but-you-focus-too-much-on-your.
- I’m “not a REAL BBW” because I don’t film every video head to toe
- I’m “not a REAL BBW” because my content is not feedee
- I’m “not a REAL BBW” because I make content heavily focused on my tits, it’s not focused on my belly or gaining… etc, etc.
- It’s not “groundbreaking” if I win or am successful because I don’t do things the same way or the “right” way
The list goes on. I received major pushback. Models in the same category insinuating that I’m not proud of my body because of how I choose to do things. People creating excuses why we stayed in the #1 spot for 11 days straight. The excuses ranged from: it’s just a popularity contest (also said in AVN), MV site glitch, self-tipping, rigged, etc.
I called another model who was telling me, daily, that I didn’t deserve the kind of reaction or backlash I was getting and just broke down and cried. This was Day 4 of the contest. I journaled the entire time and reading back, there was a rollercoaster of emotions. Between the AVN nomination and the MV Awards, the number of people talking about me publicly and privately was shocking. Especially when you consider the fact that a large portion of the people who were saying the mean and hurtful things were also tweeting about how we need to “stop bullying” after we lost so many beautiful people this year. Seems counterproductive to preach about girl power, anti-bullying, and loving one another as you tear down my work, doesn’t it? The hypocrisy was blatant. I did not receive this kind of hate last year when I was not nominated for an AVN award or when we won MV Boobs of the Year so why? Why now?
In an industry that preaches body positivity, acceptance, consent, and comfortability, if you don’t fit in THEIR idea of what you should be, you are ridiculed for your personal choices and differences. Your accomplishments for the community aren’t counted. They choose to write you off because you don’t fit in their box.
The “box” I mentioned earlier that we are constantly placed in as BBWs is also a box that BBWs like to put each other in. Possibly for comfortability sake. Labels make people feel more comfortable. I read a lot of models talking about how there is “so much drama in the BBW community” and there is. There absolutely is. But the majority of it stems from the inside, the community itself. There is a division in sex work by sex workers and it is unnecessary. We are all sex workers. Why are we spreading hate and creating drama when we’re fighting stigma and society? I’m not saying that we will all get along. That’s not realistic. You will not get along with everyone, that’s life. But what I am saying is that we can be kinder to one another. If you can’t be kinder, you can absolutely mute/block/ignore. We’re all adults capable of forming our own thoughts and opinions.
We can be better than this. I know that award season is high energy and high anxiety and stress for a lot of people. I know that egos are at an all-time high and it’s easy to start comparing yourself to others. I know that taking time off in an industry that is so heavily focused on your constant updates and involvement can feel like an impossible task but it is necessary. You are not better because you do things the way they’ve been done for years. I’m not better because I don’t. We are just different. There is not a “right” way to do anything in this industry. It is constantly changing and evolving. Isn’t that a beautiful thing? Shouldn’t it be something we celebrate rather than pick apart? Our industry is full of beautiful, talented individuals who are constantly pushing boundaries and creating works of art. Imagine all of the things we could accomplish if we just came together or shut the fuck up.
I support others even if they don’t support me. I want to see us all succeed.